My Juices Are Flowing, Just Differently

One of the downsides of running a nude website and writing a blog from the perspective of a nude model are the times (like right now) when you really don't feel sexy. I'm sure I still look sexy enough and I certainly still feel horny, I just haven't felt particularly excited about getting naked lately. Or posing for the camera. Or writing about it.

One might jump to the conclusion that my lack of enthusiasm has something to do with not feeling good about my body or the weight I've gained. I was bummed to discover that most of my summer shorts are too tight to fit comfortably, but really? That's more annoyed that I need to go shopping than anything else. I've had some really lovely comments about my added curves (thank you!) and even when I look at my thighs and think about how much BIGGER they look, how much ROUNDER my hips seem, it's with an odd sense of awe - like I'm looking at someone else or some strange object. I have none of the typical body issue stuff going on (as in, "I feel so fat & disgusting I want to puke!"), which is really really cool.

I've been hesitant to write about the way my weight gain has been affecting (or not affecting) me because it feels sooooooo teenage girlie and pathetic. I've probably only put on a grand total of 10 or 15 pounds since Christmas. Most people wouldn't even notice. The ones who don't see me naked, that is. ;) But it is rather interesting, to me at least, to watch my body change and feel the changes in the fit of my clothes, under my fingers.

Before my fingers get distracted...part of what's been keeping me away from posting here and creating new photos to share has been the stirring of other passions, both sexual and non. On the non-sexual side, my creative juices have been flowing; I've been drawing, painting, sewing - making things! It feels great. I feel totally alive in a way that I haven't in a really long time. Running my own site has always held a great element of creativity that I've enjoyed, from playing with fetishes to the photography and video editing to the graphics and site design. But all of that is still centered around sex. For 6 years now (maybe 7?) my work and my life has revolved around sex. It's been incredibly refreshing to do something that has absolutely nothing to do with the porn industry. And when those other juices start flowing? Well, I just plug in my webcam!

I started doing private webcam shows again a couple of weeks ago and have been really enjoying the instant gratification that they allow. Unlike with setting up a shoot for my website, private cam shows don't require me to come up with the idea or theme. I'm a willing participant, of course, but I have no idea what the next play session will bring. It's so much fun to discover the naughty fantasies my private cammers want to act out with me. And when we're finished, I'm also finished. There's no uploading or editing or batching or FTPing. Done!

Don't worry - I'm not done making movies or shooting new photos. While doing all the prep work to get ready for a shoot, especially in my cramped apartment, can be a pain in the ass, I usually get at least one really great shot that makes it all worth it. I love going through my old photo sets and being reminded of things like that favorite pair of panties, my old apartment, those great tanlines. It's such a shame to think that I can't replay some of the hot chat sessions I've had lately. I would *love* to have a high quality recording of some of my hottest role-playing ones for just that reason. And to share with you, of course!