VBlog: Perfectly Procrastinating

I have a new sexy video finishing up for my VIP members that will be ready for download either later this afternoon or tomorrow morning. While I was getting ready to shoot new photos, I was frustrated by all of the little flaws I have that I spend far too much time worrying about. I tend to deal with stress best when I have an outlet, like writing or talking about it. So I ranted and rambled my way through my first confessional Video Blog entry and that one IS up for members, though I don't know for how long. I have a feeling I may end up regretting making a video that talks about the things I don't like about myself!

Now before I get a flood of self-help books sent my way, let me state for the record that on a day to day basis, I'm pretty damn happy.

BUT (you knew it was coming, right?) when you shoot photos or videos in High Def and then publish those images on the internet, you set yourself up for a whole new level of inspection. I used to worry about the odd pimple or cellulite that showed up under harsh lighting. Now I see "flaws" I didn't even know I had! Looking at pics on my computer screen often magnifies my body details to larger than life size. So things like the stretch marks that appeared on my thighs when I hit puberty? That are so faded and white that I never give them a second thought? Now they seem like a major problem because you can see every detail of the tiny ridges and lines.

Things like stretch marks or scars that are permanent marks on my body don't bother me much though. I know that my body isn't perfect and I don't think anyone expects me to be. But the things that keep me from shooting new photos are the non-permanent blemishes, the things I don't have any intent on just accepting.

Case in point - bruises. I'm a total clutz. If there's a sharp, pointy furniture edge in sight I will walk right into it. I'm almost always nursing a couple of bruises and since I started working as a carpenter's helper, you can just imagine the new cuts and scrapes I come home with after a day of swinging a hammer. Yeah. Probably not a good career choice for me!

I have a couple of marks that are taking a really long time to heal. One is from a cut I got climbing into a boat while scuba diving in the Dominican Republic last year. And one is from something else, possibly as small as a mosquito bite according to my dermatologist. Apparently in my body's eager attempts to heal itself, I now have a small reddish bump that is nothing more than a build-up of excess collagen. I cut the damn thing every time I shave my legs, so it stays red and noticeable in pictures (though is quite flat now!).

There are lots of other little things that pile up and make me want to hold off on creating more pictures:

I should really get a hair cut before my next shoot.
Are my teeth white enough? They never bothered me before, but now that Hollywood is pimping the ridiculously unnatural plastic white, should I get veneers?
Is my skin smooth enough? Do I need to exfoliate more?
I really need to tan. And not the real tanning, the fake stuff. Things like veins and splotchy skin from being naked in a cold studio still show up if you have a real tan. You need the spray-on stuff to act like a layer of make-up.
How are my nails?

Look at that list! That's without even touching on the major "flaws" that women are confronted with every time they flip through a magazine. Do I need to lose weight? Are my boobs big enough? Is my ass big enough? Too big? Do I need Botox? Are my lips too thin? *sigh*

If I waited until I thought I looked perfect, I don't think I would ever shoot a single photo. And by the time I could afford all the spa treatments I'd need? I'd be too old to model any way!

The biggest thing that's restricting my shooting right now is fortunately one that's pretty easy to work around. I have a big scrape on my knee after a wipe out playing tennis this summer. It was a bloody mess (literally) and has healed nicely, but is still quite purple and definitely distracting in photos. And that has become my yardstick guide for whether an imperfection is normal and natural or worth fixing, editing, cropping out - does it distract me from the photo overall?

If a photo or video is hot, it's hot. I'm sure we've all been caught up in a really sexy scene where a bruise or a bit of cellulite is hardly a turn-off. And I'm sure it also varies from person to person. I remember watching porn with an old boyfriend and commenting on how gross the woman's feet were. I have a bit of a foot fetish, so pretty feet that are soft and kissable are something I notice. His reaction:

She had feet?

While some might not notice that I even have knees, I'm going to try to cover up my booboo with sexy stockings, knee socks and leg warmers until it heals. Now I just need to find a dog-free location to shoot in!