Freedom of Choice

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I just finished uploading a new video for my wonderful VIP members. I'm so sorry for the lack of updates lately. I've got a pile of email that I really want to respond to. To my lovely friend from the UK: I still need to measure my foot so I can determine what size of stockings I wear. I haven't forgotten! I've got a bunch of photos to edit too, but while my parents are visiting from out of town, it's made finding some uninterrupted work time rather difficult. This weekend will be devoted to getting back to work and getting my cam working again. Promise!

And now I'm off on another family tour of duty. I can't complain; we've been having a really lovely visit and even lengthy discussions about religion and porn have not come to blows (or even arguments). My family knows that I do something on the internet that involves nudity and that's pretty much all they want to know. For the last several years we've had a "don't ask, don't tell" policy at family gatherings and that's suited me just fine. I'm proud of what I do and would love to be able to show my sister some of the photos I've shot that I think are really beautiful (editing out the nude bits, of course), but I understand and respect their opinions on porn and don't feel the need to shove my site down their collective throats just because my own opinion differs. It's a rather delicate line and a subject I'd like to write more about when I have time to gather my thoughts a little better. For now, since I have had people ask over the years:

Yes, my parents know that I have a website.
No, they haven't seen it.
No, they do not approve.
Yes, they love me anyway!

I'm incredibly grateful to have such loving parents. They don't really understand why I would want to do nude modeling when I have so many other options, but they don't express their disapproval in a negative way at all. It's more like, "We want you to be happy and find a career that you really love that we can also tell the neighbors about." Fair enough!

Discussions with my sister have been similar since she's highly intelligent, a professional and a feminist. I hear a lot of, "But you could be doing so much more!" More what, exactly?

I love photography and yes, I'm sure I could make a living shooting fully clothed people. But why? Why would I *want* to shoot frazzled brides and obnoxious mother-in-laws instead of setting up my camera and shooting pictures of myself, at my own pace, in my own control? If I decide to branch out and shoot other people, I'm sorry to say it'll still probably be other naked people. That's a lie. I'm not sorry. *grin*

What else should I be doing? Going back to mind-numbing tech support? No thanks. Going to med school so I can heal sick babies? That does sound pretty noble, but realistically we can't all do jobs in the social services sector. We like our cell phones and iPods and trashy television and cool jeans. Millions of people do jobs that don't benefit society in any grand way and aren't subject to constant criticism for their choices. And for good reason:

YOU ARE NOT YOUR JOB.

I think Fight Club should be required viewing in college. And maybe once a year after that too. (jjoseph, agree?) If you have a job that you're passionate about that also pays the bills, good for you! But don't try to tell me that the guy who clocks out of the office at 5:00 and then goes home to paint is somehow a failure. Is he doing what he loves? Absolutely! Has he had to alter what he does to appeal to some gallery owner? Or art critic? Or customer who wants to commission a piece? Nope!

How many people feel passionate about the volunteer work they do on weekends and are able to get a little spring in their step as they walk back and forth from the copy machine on Monday because of it? If we all worked at non-profits, who would able to donate???

The fact is I love my job. I love posing nude and putting my life on display for many reasons ranging from the pure selfish thrill of exhibitionism to the more altruistic desire to display myself as a multi-dimensional sex object, a "real" woman.

As long as women are the ones who have babies, we're going to be seen as sex objects. As far as I'm concerned, it's pure biology. The drive itself is nothing to get upset about. How we handle that drive? How we act on our desires? That's another story.

By throwing my hat into the sludge of porn, I get a chance to show an alternative to the bimbo culture. Sexy and smart are NOT mutually exclusive. Blondes do have more fun - they do volunteer work, write code, design web pages and yes, they may flash their boobies on the internet too. Sex objects aren't always thinking about sex! Sometimes we're walking our dogs. And chewing gum! Oops. Now I'm thinking about sex again.

This post is rather disjointed and I would like to clean it up a bit, but I'm going to post it anyway as a reminder to come back to it. I have so many thoughts on the subjects of porn & feminism, and sex work in general. I really feel drawn to this industry and as I get older I can see myself getting more involved, not less.

My mom asked me a usually telling question and I think I surprised her with the answer. She asked what I would do if I won the lottery, if money was no object. I didn't hesitate for a minute - I would absolutely still do my website! I got excited thinking about the great photographers I could hire and the places I could shoot and ohmygod the outfits and stockings and lingerie I could buy!!!

I think we're going to reinstate "don't ask, don't tell" now. =)