I know this post has been a long time coming & I do apologize for leaving everybody hanging. It was partly due to the circumstances of my major life upheaval and partly due to me honestly not knowing what to say, how to say it and not ready to believe any of it is "real" anyway. But I'm getting ahead of myself...
Let's start with September - I went back to school. Art school, to be more specific, and I'm absolutely loving it. It's challenging and exciting and for the first time in a really long time, I feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.
I'm sure that sounds cheesy, but starting to paint again after setting it aside for so many years felt like suddenly remembering who I am, like an amnesia patient flooded with recognition. I've only been back at it seriously for 6 months or so and already when I try to remember a time in my life when I wasn't a painter, it feels so foreign. It seems like a lifetime ago.
Though this is something I've wanted to do for ages, I'd always put the idea of becoming an artist into the "silly dream" pile. Rather suddenly this fall a scholarship opportunity of sorts fell into my lap and I made the quick decision to go for it. Unfortunately, one of the strings of the scholarship is that I needed to quit posting naked pictures of myself on the internet. Immediately. As in, delete all traces.
I'm not sure what to do with the site that has brought so many wonderful people into my life and been a source of so much fun, excitement and yes, at times, frustration. I'm not ashamed of anything I've done here or of my time spent in the adult industry, but I do feel like it's time to move on. And yes, that's scary!
I've been getting signs for a good long while now telling me that porn and I are no longer a good match. This year has been filled with heaps of problems that have been out of my control: Pro Adult shutting down without paying anyone, my server getting hacked leaving me with a $900 bandwidth bill, miscommunication with my cam company not paying me, constant problems with a server move that should have been simple, my landlord/living situation...you get the picture. Every turn seemed like there was another sign telling me this just. isn't. working.
As I get older, it's also really nice to be shifting to a career where more experience is a *good* thing. The older I get > the more I paint > the BETTER I get at my job. In any stripe of modeling (or acting) where your looks are your product, the older you get, the less work you're going to get. Your product is essentially rotting.
It doesn't matter if I work hard to become a better model, a better web designer, a better photographer - I'm still getting older day by day. Instead of that being a positive, with age comes wisdom kind of thing (the way it actually feels to me, for the record), in this business it's a negative.
I know the MILF/mature niche is a popular one and I'm sure I could keep getting naked for money for another 20 years. Maybe more. There's a part of me that would love to see where my site could go as I get older. I *do* feel more attractive and sexually confident now than ever before. The idea of one day advertising myself as a 40 year old hottie who yes, IS still sexy and refuses to "dress her age" is enticing. But you're never going to escape those, "She looks really good. For her age." comments. And as with anything in porn, when you start trying to cater to a specific niche, it becomes ONLY about that one thing to the exclusion of any kind of healthy balance.
For a long time, it has not felt healthy to me to put so much emphasis on my appearance. When I'm dressing up to go to a party or something, I feel totally confident. But when I start looking at high rez photos of myself, blown up larger than life size, I notice every single little line or pimple or dimple of cellulite. Things that other women don't notice at all, I'm forced to stare at every time I want to edit a new set of pics. I'm sure other women still notice that they're gaining a little weight or that they're getting older, but unless you're a model or an actress, it's your vanity, not your livelihood.
On top of all that, obsessing about my appearance? Is really boring. I loathe sitting in the beauty salon flicking through retarded "women's" magazines waiting for a stylist to finish blow drying my hair. Hate it. I'd rather do yoga or ride my bike than do crunches. I'd rather do just about anything than have fake nails adhered to the tips to my fingers with surgical glue so that I can't type, dial a phone or pick my nose properly.
Even so, closing my site is still a tough decision. It's not the money; with the amount of time & money I've put into it, I don't think this site ever paid me more than minimum wage. No, if it had been about the money I would've quit years ago when the internet tide really started to shift. Running this site has meant so much more than that; getting to be my own boss, being part of a subculture of independent thinkers and explorers, meeting amazing people from all over the globe, doing something naughty and exciting and different. All of my 20s were spent involved in the adult industry in some capacity. It's a part of who I am.
While I'm thrilled to see the next chapter of my life play out, I can't definitively say that I'm done, I quit, it's over. I'm not ready to say goodbye. All of my friends are in the adult industry! Working in a taboo industry and having few friends that I could "come out" to has been isolating for so many years. It sucks to start over again and feel even more isolated.
And so, all of that, if you're still reading (hi Trixie!) is why I've been hesitant to say anything yet. (Well, that and the fact that I've been insanely busy with school and trying to be a painter and sell my work etc. etc.)
Since I really don't have the time to shoot any new stuff or do updates even if I wanted to, the site is closed to new members. If you're an existing member your password should still work. I don't want to delete everything, like I was never here, but I'm not quite sure what to do with it either. Thoughts and suggestions are welcome!
